After all this time…

After all this time, our love is growing and getting stronger. I love you more each day. You managed to acquire my complete trust. I never trusted anyone this much.

Our baby is due in 5 weeks, and I believe that she will enrich our life very much.  Baby is moving quite a bit – she will enjoy traveling, just like her father. I believe that she will make us very happy, and increase our bond even more. I’m really excited to decorate her nursery with you, and imagine how we will read books to our little one. I’m happy to be able to share these feelings with you.

With everything we went through together, you deserve my respect in any way. I can truly rely on you, you are my pillar; oasis where I go for feeling safe, secure, peaceful… You make me feel at home. I love you.

You can do that to me…

Very often I feel ordinary, sometimes down and thinking that I’m not good enough…

That’s when you come and tell me how special I am and remind me that anything is possible. Even in my dreams… I had a dream this morning: In my dream, I was looking at my future and in that future I was a person with a family and with ‘ordinary’ life… and then you appeared and I remembered that I’m not an ordinary person, I’m special, and I can do much more – anything I want.

You do that often in reality also… you are my pillar when rough times come. You are giving me deep insights in issues which are bothering me – and after talking to you I’m realizing how those issues are not complicated at all and they can be solved easily… You are the person who is telling me that we can do anything together, and it will be great. And I believe you… I believe that WE can accomplish anything.

You are my motivator. You are the reason I’m going on and succeeding. You mean so much to me that I’m lacking words to express what I feel for you. I LOVE YOU!

Christmas holidays…

Holidays are here… and we are enjoying our first day of vacation.

He is playing NFS Underground II, and I’m watching James Bond (007) on TV. Just chilling and enjoying. Really nice.

Christmas tree is lit and many presents under the tree. Tomorrow evening we will open the presents – can’t wait.

After the holidays, we will be waiting for January 14, when we go to sign the lease and get the keys of OUR very nice apartment. Can’t wait for that one also…

Just too many great things to look forward to.

It’s end of the year and it’s making me think about the year behind me… and I can only tell how greatful I am for everything that happened in the last 12 months. Finished my on campus studies, arrived to Seattle, got a job at MS as contractor, met HIM, got a job at MS as full time employee… and now looking at this beautiful Christmas tree and many presents under it… and all that makes such a successful year, that I’m amazed, very grateful and happy because of everything that happened.

Thanksgiving…

Thanksgiving day… holiday… the two of us…

His parents left two days ago… we are in the apartment, back to our routine… Love, caring, and all other soothing feelings at the same time. Pleasing each other in every way… I forgot that feeling… just enjoying.

I prepared lunch and desert. He looked like he really enjoyed food.

Pretty good day.

Thanksgiving is time to say “thank you”… so I have need to say it for everything for what I’m thankful (considering two of us).

Thank YOU for:

• Man who understands me,
• Man who listens me,
• Man who loves me,
• Man who is making me a better person,
• Man who is becoming a better person because of me,
• Man who is making my dreams come true,
• Man who is my dream come true.

I’m not sure I covered everything, but I think that this is the most of the things that I wanted to say here… he is the love of my life, and I’m very thankful that I found him, and that he is with me… mine.

His parents are here…

We moved in together… and living together more than a month, almost two months… it’s very nice – the best decision in my life (I think).

We are solving issues how they are coming along…

His parents are here… a month now… and (un)fortunately all issues we have are because of them. They have their style of life, and we want them to feel at home, but they turned our lives up-side-down…

Small things, nothing big, but when a lot of small things get into one place – it has tendency of becoming a big issue. You know…:

1. I enter the apt, and it smells on cooking (Indian spices, of course), and they are not opening windows/doors so that smell goes out, because they are feeling cold (and they don’t think that they can open for the air and putting one extra layer of clothes on them).

2. Apartment is soooo warm that I feel like I’m in a sauna or a desert or something like that… They don’t get it that this is not India… we have cold weather here and they need to adapt.

3. When I come home – Indian channels are on TV, and I don’t feel comfortable to change it to something understandable, because I don’t want to insult them.

Anyway… a lot of small thingys, but when everything is at the same place, I start loosing my patience. I don’t feel at home in my own apartment, because I have some guests in and I need to act/dress up according to them, because they are old people, and I’m young, and they are guests… and so and so and so…

Don’t get me wrong… they are nice people, but I can’t wait until they go home.

I don’t want to hurt him. I know that he is making a lot of effort in trying to please his parents, and to juggle between work, his parents and me… and this is very hard for him… I want to be supportive… just sometimes my feelings kinda blow up, and I say stupid things… I know that we are in this together, and everything is going to be OK… (just few more weeks and they will go back to India, and we can “heal our wounds”, and get back to our routine)… All this is making me choke from within and I hope that I will manage to keep myself together few more weeks and be as supportive as possible… I must achieve this… because of me, because of him, because of us.

Soon => moving in together

Only one more week and we will move in together.

I’m very excited about that. Finally, I will share my living space with my darling. Oh, we are spending 24/7 together, but in his apartment… and now we are going to spend 24/7 in OUR apartment… only one more week.

Tomorrow we are going to sign the lease for the apartment. I’m very excited.

I’m not really able to believe that something like that is happening… but I’m happy.

More thoughts about him

I feel the need to share my thoughts… why is he so special for me…

He is just the greatest guy I ever met. This was short and to the point, I guess . But let me clarify this a little bit.

He just knows what I need, when I need it, and how I need it. He is always there to make my dreams come true. Don’t get me wrong, he is not my minion, always at my disposal. He just knows the right portion of what I need. I’m very happy to have a man like him in my life. He is totally with me, and he is not losing himself in that process of giving. He is a man who is not scared to be open and to give.

Sometimes I really think that we are made for each other – two people with same principles, same wishes, and same desires. I never thought that someone like that exists – someone who feels about me the same way I feel about him – and this is only making our relationship even more profound.

And also, one more quality about him that I appreciate so much is that we are able to talk… for hours. It’s not like: I’m talking or he is talking… it is actual conversation, exchanging thoughts and ideas. And it’s so nice to find someone who is capable of giving ideas, and listening to other people thoughts. I enjoy our evenings together, when we get cozy on the love seat and discuss so many different things… it amazes me how he can talk about everything. He is not a guy for just one topic…

Soon, we will move in together, and take our relationship to a different level. It’s a big step, but I’m not afraid that this might ruin something. He is so right for me, that I know that this is the right decision, and that we need to be together as much as possible. I know that we are going to be together forever, and that’s something what comes from deep inside me – just knowing things. We often surprise each other with the words, actions… like “that’s the same thing I was going to say/do”… and it feels so god.

I was not aware that relationship like this might exist somewhere in the Universe – the complete compatibility. And I found a man who is so right for me. He is stimulating me to be a better person, to reach higher goals… with his help and support. I just hope that I’m able to provide him with same help and support that he is giving me.

I heard a while back that there is a higher plan, goal for each and every one of us, and when you are acting according to that higher plan, everything goes easy in your life. Something like: living accordingly to principles of nature. And I was pretty skeptic about that… you know – I’m more like “do it yourself” girl… no higher things, but you must put an effort, and make it possible for yourself. But since I’m with him, everything is so easy, everything is just right, falling into right place – I hope that you are able to follow me with this… I just have so many thoughts about it, that I’m afraid that I’m not able to put them into right words and express myself properly. But the thing is: things that were so hard to do now are so easy… like: there are no problems and/or obstacles at all.

I just hope that everything will keep going on this track… I don’t want to lose this, what I have, what we have… it’s too precious and I’m enjoying every moment of it.

Eating habits…

I realized that I’m gaining weight… and fast.

So he is trying to not allow me to eat fatty food. That’s sweet of him, but he is eating in front of me!

Anyway… wondering… is he going to do that in other occasions? I mean… just that my body needs food. I’m all stressed out and I have constant need to put something in my mouth. And since I’m trying to get easy on smokes - I eat.

Stress should go away after my final this Saturday. Then no interviews, and no exams… still, thing with his parents is going to be there… but much less stress. I know that I shouldn’t be stressed about his parents, but if can’t help myself not to wonder what will happen if they don’t approve two of us moving in together… and I know – he will be with me, but he will not be comfortable about the whole situation… so I just hope that everything will be OK… and I know that me thinking and stressing out myself about it is not going to help, but I can’t help it.

Anyway… he finished the fruit salad… and I’m not touching mine, because there is no whip-cream on it…

Questions…

We talked few days back how it would be great if we move in together . That was settled (at least in my mind) and I was so happy… I mean: I got a job offer, I feel really great, I have a great man next to me, and we think to move in together? It doesn’t get better than this.

His parents are coming in few weeks, and they will meet me, and then everything will be settled.

I talked with my family about it (the moving in thing)… and as usual, they were very supportive. They found bunch of reasons why is that god idea (not sure were they convincing me or themselves). Anyway – very god reaction from my family regarding this.

Then he started talking with his brother about moving in with me and that door got closed (at least for me). His brother told him that they folks are still not quite OK with idea that I’m not an Indian, and if he tells them that we are moving in together, that will be like a bomb (a very unpleasant one) for them. And I realized how his face changed. He doesn’t want to have issues with his family… and I started thinking…

Why should we force this? There is no reason for that. And when I think about possible scenarios, here is how it goes:

Scenario 1: We move in together. His family doesn’t approve, they will not be happy, I will know that and I won’t be happy, he will know that no one is happy and he won’t be happy…

Scenario 2: We don’t move in together. His family has no idea about it and they are happy, because they want to come here, see US and be with their son… I will not be happy, he won’t be happy.

For scenario 1, number of unhappy people is 4/4, and for scenario 2, number of unhappy people is 2/4. So as you can see, math is clear here, and much better option will be if we don’t move in together… I’m already unhappy…

Maybe I’m mistaking by putting myself and my needs on first place. Sometimes I feel guilty because of that, but sometimes I think how my whole life I’m acting to please someone… and it’s finally time to think about myself and what I want… but what if that makes someone else get hurt? And I love him very much, and I don’t want to put him in tight spot. I don’t want to hurt him, because of me and my needs. And I have only one need – to be with him. So is it worth to sacrifice my only need so that everyone will be happy?

And when I think about all of this again, I realize that he is putting himself and his family in front of us… and that hurts a lot. I was willing to fight every fight with anyone… and to win. And when I see how he is prioritizing things in this way… it makes me wonder… this is only about moving in together… it’s a huge step so far in our relationship, but I was hoping (I am hoping) that there are going to be many more, even bigger steps that we need to do together… and if he let’s something like family stuff to interfere with this…? Just wondering is this the first and the only time…? Or there will be other issues that are influencing the two of us and the bunch of other people will be involved in making a decision? I mean… what I want to say is that I really love him, and I respect him… but I don’t know his family, they are strangers for me… and they are influencing “our” decision…? I’m not able to deal with that… and I’m sorry that this is making us talk for a long time, and feel so unpleasant about the whole thing.

I just feel like it was not a good idea. At least not for his family. And I’m not sure that I want a life that will be so much influenced by other people. I mean this is not a big deal… there will be much bigger and more important stuffs in our lives… and if they are getting so much involved in this one… what will happen with the next, the bigger issue that is coming our way? Will we need their approval for them also? I want to have my life… I want to be person who is responsible for making my own decisions… I don’t want to wait for anyone’s approval… but maybe it is to soon. Maybe I don’t know him that well. Everything happens with a reason. And maybe this is one more lesson that I need to learn.

To many thoughts right now… need to clear my head. I just hope that we can find a compromise and everyone to be happy. I know that’s impossible, but I can hope that solution like that exists…

My dearest is back!

Sunday, August 6, 3PM… My dearest is finally back from his trip to India!

It’s so nice: feeling his touch again… after so long…

Being in his arms made me feel complete again. That was the missing part. That was the thing I was missing for the previous two weeks… and it felt like it was forever… but now he is next to me, and everything is OK again. Things are just falling into their proper place when he is here.

Now, again… I have a place where I feel like home – in his arms.

And only one more thing to say:

Shaiket, I love you with all my heart!